Southern Womens Show

What's the rush? Read on

Read all the way down to the bottom, it's important.

Apparently, that's what you have to say now to make sure somebody reads your whole message. At least that's what folks are now putting on their emails to me. So I figure I better put it at the top of my column. So that you read the entire thing and don't miss some big announcement at the end or anything.

It's a disturbing trend. In a world where information comes fast and furious, people still won't take the time to completely read a short message that popped up faster than their morning toast. Same with voicemail. They'll listen to the first couple of minutes then hit delete - sure that all the pertinent info was addressed at the top.

I always like to bury the lead - start with "Hey, how ya doing - it's so hot today - I think I'll make my Chinese chicken salad, I'll send you the recipe, it's only got like 300 calories in it, and the kids like it, it's really good. Oh, I nominated you for PTA president next year. Bye."

That way I know if she listened to the whole message. Because she's either scrambling to call the PTA nominating committee to get her name off the ballot, or she's excitedly checking her email for a low-cal treat.

Another thing I've noticed is that sometimes when I leave a voicemail, they don't listen to it. Instead, they call me and ask me what my voicemail says. Well, I don't know, let's go to the audiotape. They've got my actual, recorded message, that I can't possibly recreate word for word, so I suggest they listen to it.

But that requires calling into voicemail, which takes time, and we can't do that anymore. I blame the TV remote people. They started this mess. The day we didn't have to wait to see who was going to draw the shortest straw and have to get up to change the channel, was the day we weren't going to have time for anything.

At least we're talking again. For a while there, all we did was voicemail, text and email. Now everyone's exasperated with the universal flood of information and when all their boxes are full, it's just easier to pick up the phone.

I've got a friend who doesn't have voicemail. She just looks to see what calls she missed and then calls them back - at least the ones she wants to talk to. But we're starting to converse again, which is so nice. And civilized.

And speaking of talking in person, I actually do have an announcement. I'll be speaking in September at the Southern Women's Show, and if you've read this far down, then you are exactly the person I want to come. Because there's a pretty good chance you'll stay for the whole thing. Check out all the details at southernshows.com . And thanks for reading.

The Southern Women's Show « Aaron C Simon

Subject : tickets

Darlene:

Yes you do. This is a Southern Women’s Show, is it not? I imagine that there will be a few different competitions like obedience, that bit where women are paraded around in circles while judges look over their poise and form, and then that bit where judges look at women’s gums.

I’ve always been an avid follower of Southern Women’s Shows and would really like to check out the one in Nashville, but would prefer getting a preview of sorts before buying a ticket. So: Hoops, judges, what?

-Aaron Simon Subject : tickets

Yep, you’ve nailed it. That’s been the case with every Southern Women’s Show I’ve been to in the past. I’m confused as to what you think this would be–some sort of fashion show? Laughable. No. This will probably be a very competitive example, I bet.

The last Southern Women’s Show I went to in Nashville (a few years ago) had involved a sell-off of the unspoken-for women at the end of the show. Obviously, the winners were much more expensive than the losers, as they proved they were more pliable and had more experience than the losers. A friend of mine bought a Southern Woman for $450 and said that he was getting a good deal.

I ordered her to cook for us one night, and she did not know how to cook grits. I said he was ripped off, since that seems like it’s a very Southern Woman sort of thing to know how to do. Turns out she was one of the losers of the competition (only jumped through one hoop and did not own enough freakishly large Easter hats to qualify for the semifinals), so I definitely know he got ripped off.

Will there be a grits-cooking competition at the Southern Women’s Show?

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