Hi Protein Shakes

Perfect Me: From pasty to protein shake?

On an otherwise anonymous Monday, in the basement of a Covent Garden café, a man has a gun pointed at my head. Two actually. The guns in question belong to Sam, a 28-year-old gay man and fitness instructor, and I can’t stop staring at them. They are the size of baked bean tins, and as we talk he will rub them occasionally, as if to double-check they’re still there.

‘I was an awkward, shy, ginger, spotty, in-the-closet gay teenager,’ he tells me. ‘I always wanted to bulk up because I had in my head this perfect image of how I wanted to look. It was a way of trying to toughen up and feel better about myself. That’s why I started going to the gym.’

I cannot help but be jealous. Sam and I are the same age, yet my biceps are not the size of baked bean tins – not even those miniature ones that pensioners love. My chest is skinny, my stomach is soft, and my hips are haunted by the ghosts of chickens long since fried. Sitting here, on opposite sides

of a tiny table, we look like before and after shots from an annoying American infomercial. I ask him how it feels to be perfect.

‘Shut up!’ he laughs. ‘I’m not perfect. No one’s perfect. In terms of fitness you always have to strive for something because that’s how you progress; you’ll only develop if you have a goal. I’ve got a goal in my head and I’ve definitely not reached it. If I’m honest I don’t even really know what it is. I just always want to be a bit better.’

Sam, I suspect, is not alone in this. Gay society is transfixed with perfection. And who can blame us? On every club flyer, scowling from the pages of every magazine, we’re bombarded by images of men with Burberry faces and Bel Ami bodies. They look down on us from pedestals. They stand behind bars, out of reach. OK, the elevation of physical beauty is not a new concept, nor is it one that’s confined exclusively to gay men; but only on the gay scene have we made it a religion.

Oh, don’t look at me like that! I’m not preaching. I’m a member of the congregation, just like you. For years I’ve worshipped at the altar of perfection, but – unlike most people with faith – I find it hard to remember a time I’ve taken comfort from it. When I read a gay magazine, I don’t feel closer to the community; I feel fat. When the guy beside me on the dancefloor peels off his vest to reveal rippling abs, I’m not thinking about how I’m going to get into his skinny jeans; I’m wondering how the hell I’m going to get into mine.

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